Today I want to discuss something that has been on my mind a lot lately. An idea that I am sure has been on the minds of many women as they power through the work force, demanding better lives, lifestyles, and careers. And idea that is in the minds of women everywhere despite class or race or age. Confidence. Please don’t shake your head claiming it’s just another drawn out post empowering women to claim their confidence and use it to their advantage. This post is going to discuss the perils of a woman with confidence; the struggles, ‘hardships’, and definitely the frustrations. I’m at an internal war with myself feeling the necessity of confidence and self-empowerment, but also at odds with what it leaves me.
I have reached very little conclusions about how I’d like to go forward.
Articles across the globe seek to empower women on the fortune of great confidence. It adds an extra zing to a sentence, makes whatever you say believable, makes you more attractive, allows you to live in a positive light. And these claims stem from the idea of believing in yourself which in turn causes your posture to improve, your mental attitude to shift, your assertion to become clearer, and your sense of self and inner power to ignite. These shifts are incredible.
What is missing are the gives not replaced by takes. I’m talking about the sacrifices you make when empowering yourself. Now that sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? Sacrifices of being empowered, she’s crazy. But hear me out…
I’m a college student. Going out, meeting fine gents and socializing should be part of my almost daily calendar. However, I’m tired of the random hookups, the fake socializing, and the incredibly awkward Pit conversations with people you just shouldn’t have said that to. It gets old… I didn’t think it would get old this fast, but I’m down for a few hours out on a Friday and then the rest spent with Netflix. So with that in mind, I’ve spent time getting in touch with the true me; I go back to my room a little earlier to connect with a lunar Yoga flow, I read blogs, and I introvert myself (and I do truly want to), so I can discover how I tick. I want to know how my brain handles flux, how I deal with issues, relax into fun, and enjoy whatever time I have on this planet.
In doing this, my self-confidence has gone up remarkably. Even in the last couple weeks, knowing what works for my body and simply allowing my body to function has proved to be liberating and exhilarating. I now sashay my hips and have been practicing my wink in the mirror (you don’t want to see that without my improvement first). And it’s been lovely, but it’s also put up a barrier with others.
I’ve never been one to shy down on my opinions. Yes, there is a time and place to share, but when someone gets me riled up, whether it’s over the controversy of pairing neutral colors, black and brown, together in clothing or as intense as a debate on abortion, you bet I’m all ears and definitely all voice. With my newfound confidence, I’ve had less worry about what I’m saying as long as I am speaking my truth. Who cares if the girl said that because she’s cute, right? Wrong.
With my body confidence slowly increasing, as well as my mental awareness to get ideas out there always and appropriately, I fear I’m making myself less attractive in this small bubble of campus. Maybe not less attractive, but less approachable. I like to live up to my name, being a friend to all I meet and respecting others with kindness, but what if my other empowerment forces me constantly to the friend zone.
Girls talk a lot about a ‘friend zone’ with guys; he’s nice to talk to, but only as a friend, or he might be really cute, but he’d only make a good guy friend. Am I being ‘friend zoned’ because I voice my opinions and assert my feelings despite the outcome? Is it a turn off?
Yeah, guys say confidence is sexy, but I’m pretty sure we all know what room they want that confidence in. What about confidence of the mind? Is that still just as appreciated? Is the reason people don’t truly search for their mental confidence is because they don’t want it to get in the way of the partying and the socializing? Am I destined to always feel out of place, because my mind is always switched on, always chugging along, finding new opinions new vantage points, new discoveries?
To be honest, I’m not sure what happens. I’m not changing myself for others, but I wish that guys would see the beauty of a body and the beauty in the brains underneath. Of course I will keep asserting myself, expressing my views, telling others what I think and how I feel. Will that make me single for the rest of my life? I don’t want to hide who I truly am, but I also want to meet someone and have a life with him. Am I supposed to suppress it and then slowly unleash it? Or just throw it all out there at once?
A predicament. And one I definitely have no answers for. I think it might be a life thing. Something you learn over time and through the decades. I guess we’ll see if one day I’m writing about how much he just understands me and allows me to be me. I have every confidence that it will work out.